Let's Talk About Sex, Baby...Great Sex That Is!

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and discussing it. The impression that’s out there is everyone else is having better sex than them. So, why do we think that?   Is it the times we live in? How much does social media pressure influence us? Are we so lonely that we make shit up to look better?

First and foremost, this is such an individual assessment. What I enjoy, you might think no way and vice versa. So next, I would ask myself what I believe great sex is. Can it be as simple as a great connection with one another? Having fun during sex? Experiencing an orgasm? Being in love is enough? Do I want to have kinky things happen? Did I push my limits and try new things? Is it too routine? Do I want to be more vocal during sex? Is it quality sex over quantity of it?  

I’ve had really great sex and so-so sex; for me, it means feeling comfortable with someone and letting my freak flag fly. And comfortable means being vulnerable, which means feeling safe with that person. I don’t necessarily have to be in a relationship to have it, either. I’ve had some excellent one-night stands and awful sex in a partnership. I will tell you this, and it had very little to do with the other person but with what was going on inside me at the time. When I felt insecure about my body, it was harder to relax. When I thought something else was happening in the connection on a relationship level, and it was just sex to the other person, it was lacking. The pleasure was harder to sustain when I was in my head too much.

I kept missing the signs and cues from the other person about the connection, or I thought I could fix them, or if they had a horrible relationship history and weren’t with the right person, I could change that too. I was always with emotionally unavailable partners because…ding, ding, ding, and I was that too! The time I wasted with this type of person was beneficial because I was able to explore my sexual side and define what my needs were. But, you know when you’ve had enough, and it’s time for a change. Can you relate?

I had a client and asked her, “What do you want in a relationship?” She thought briefly and replied, “I’ve never asked myself that question.” Do we, as women, not ask ourselves this question? Of course, when you come from a dysfunctional childhood, it plays a part in everything. You absorbed patterns and probably aren’t aware of how they are affecting you to this day. So, this might not be a question you think to ask because you might not be good enough, important enough, or just plain not enough, or some other bullshit story we tell ourselves.

Now I have defined what I want. I asked the hard questions of myself. The first thing I had to do was stop trying to fix them—hard stop. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. Retrain me to do it differently and watch it unfold. Total acceptance of me and who he is. Let him do the dance in wanting more of me. No chasing. Is it easy? Fuck no. Changing patterns is some hard shit, but it can be done in time with patience and grace.

Do you feel deserving of pleasure on any level?

If it’s a yes, why?

If it’s a no, why?

It’s your turn to have the relationship of your choice.

It’s your turn to understand why it hasn’t happened.

It’s your turn to have the sex you have desired.

It’s your turn to discover it all, and YOU!

It’s your turn.

If you haven’t already, please download my free Love Your Libido book; there is an offer you would be silly to reject. Also, have you taken the free Love Assessment Quiz? Finally, please read my blog for all kinds of exciting information.

Now let’s have that conversation you’ve wanted to have! I’m waiting.