How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Orgasms

body types orgasm self sabotage sex Jun 29, 2022
sex self sabotage

Do you find yourself during the act of lovemaking feeling self-conscious? Does it prevent you from enjoying the encounter and reaching orgasm? Even though your partner tells you, they love you and your body? 

 

I saw a post on social media from a woman in her mid 20’s struggling with this issue and decided to share my personal experience. By discussing topics openly we can all have a sort of collective healing, at least that’s my hope. 

 

I know it did for me. I’m a bigger, curvier girl. Never felt comfortable in my skin. 

 

I can remember one such encounter with a partner. He was new to me. On occasion, he was a one-night stand that turned into a couple-of-of-night-stands on occasion. He loved bigger women and older ones (which he told me immediately.) We were in The Act, and all I could think of was my thighs were jiggling, my stomach was moving, and I was in my head, having a hard time enjoying. Then at that very moment, he states again, “I love how your stomach moves and your thighs jiggle.” I was astonished. Was he reading my mind? What happened next was I was able to relax because I felt his statement was genuine and not just bullshit to laid. I remember thinking, “Yes, ride’em, cowboy,” and did. I gained confidence and realized different people like different body types.

 

That encounter opened my eyes to a few things. 

 

Why didn’t I believe him? 

 

I wasn’t one to trust easily. I just met him, was he saying it to get laid? The message I received as a young girl was that my body wasn’t in vogue, making me self-conscious. Being called names and being made fun of as a kid didn’t help either. I didn’t have a boyfriend until my senior year and only because I lost weight. I wasn’t comfortable with sex in my 20s because I gained back weight. Plus being uneducated when it came to my body and its pleasure and leaving it up to my partner to please me because I thought they knew more about me than me. What a cycle of nonsense! I’m still learning today and eager to find new ways to pleasure myself and my partner. 

 

What was so wrong with my body that I felt I didn’t deserve pleasure?

 

The toxic thoughts that run through my mind at times are astonishing. The judgments I hold on to need punishments to reflect the thoughts. I might overeat, drink or even shop too much. Anything to self soothe the chatter. It’s a crazy loopy cycle. 

 

I had to really reflect on where all of this started. It’s a combination of programming from early childhood, school, church, society, and wherever the message would imprint on me from limiting beliefs. It was my attachment style that was hindering the process too. (More to come on that!)

 

How do I fix this?

 

The not-so-easy part. Lots of hard fucking work. It’s a daily reminder to focus on my goodness. It’s a natural habit to scold and admonish myself for the slightest imperfections and what I believe to be my faults. Today I have to consciously remind myself that it’s a story I tell myself, made up of toxic bullshit thoughts. And I remind myself to focus on the parts of my body and life that keep me in good feeling vibration. 

 

Another reminder is when I’m having sex to enjoy the encounter. When I feel self-conscious about my body: I bring myself back to the moment by breathing, slowing everything down, and touching myself on the arm, face, breast, leg—any place to ground myself. I will tell my partner what is happening, and they will reassure me, compliment me or even lovingly touch me. 

 

The biggest sex organ in our body is the brain. Learning to recognize the cues from the mind and body and rewire them will bring you the greatest pleasure known. However, it takes courage, communication, and practice. If your partner is unwilling to assist in the process or doesn’t understand, love coaching can help.  To find out more about my love coaching, learn more here.

 

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                                                     What is Mindset?

Could what you believe about yourself impact your success or failure? According to Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, Author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, beliefs play a pivotal role in what you want and whether you achieve it.

Dweck has found that it is your mindset that plays a significant role in determining achievement and success. So, what exactly is a mindset?

Mindset Definition:

The established set of attitudes held by someone.

There are two different types of mindset:

People with a fixed mindset believe that these qualities are inborn, fixed, and unchangeable.

Those with a growth mindset, on the other hand, believe that these abilities can be developed and strengthened by way of commitment and hard work.

                                           

                                               What Is Your Mindset?

Do you have a fixed or growth mindset? To find out, start by reading the following statements and decide which ones you agree with most:

 

  • People have a certain amount of intelligence, and there isn't any way to change it.
  • No matter who you are, there isn't much you can do to improve your basic abilities and personality.
  • People are capable of changing who they are.
  • You can learn new things and improve your intelligence.
  • People either have particular talents, or they don't. You can't just acquire talent for things like music, writing, art, or athletics.
  • Studying, working hard, and practicing new skills are all ways to develop new talents and abilities.

If you tend to agree with statements 1, 2, and 5, then you probably have a more fixed mindset. If you agree with statements 3, and 4, 6, however, then you probably tend to have a growth mindset.

                                      

                                        Can You Change Your Mindset?

While people with a fixed mindset might not agree, Dweck suggests that people are capable of changing their mindsets. Parents can also take steps to ensure that their children develop growth mindsets, often through praising efforts rather than focusing solely on results.

 

For example, instead of telling a child that he is "so smart," a parent might commend the child for their hard work on a project and describe what they like the most about the child's efforts ("I really like how you chose the colors for that picture!").

 

By focusing on the process rather than the outcome, adults can help kids understand that their efforts, hard work, and dedication can lead to change, learning, and growth both now and in the future.

Remember that your fixed mindset persona was born to protect you and keep you safe, according to Dweck. But it has developed some very limiting ways of doing that. So, educate it in the new growth mindset ways that it can support you: in taking on challenges and sticking to them, bouncing back from failure, and helping and supporting others to grow.

                           

 

I’m a strong believer in therapy, mentoring and coaching both giving and receiving. I remember when I started therapy and/or coaching it was an exciting and scary time. It was the right direction for the next level of self- growth but my fear was speaking to me, big time.

                                                      

                                                        Fixed Mindset       

What happens if I can’t do this? Will I be able to change? What if it doesn’t work?

See where my mind was taking me, not to a good place. FEAR!

                                                       Growth Mindset

I realized that I needed the right mindset for the process to be successful.

I found a cozy comfortable area with journal in hand, relaxed then took a few deep breathes to center myself and asked the question:

What does my FEAR look and feel like when I think about therapy and/or coaching?

Any excuse to stop the process

Lack of money and time

Problem too hard to face

Anxiety residing in my body, shallow breathing, body pains etc.

What would people think?

I would look weak

Embarrassment

Self-doubt

Therapy is for other people!

It’s too hard!

 

 

When I felt overwhelmed in the therapy/coaching process it was an indicator that I was off. I went directly to my list and would see the reason and immediately laugh at myself in a loving way, pause, take deep breaths and then do a reset!

I go to my toolbox of skills and use the ones that resonate with me. Affirmations are my go-to and are hanging on my walls. I give myself a daily pep talk to keep me focused and these are just some of the simple, yet effective tools!

Remember why I was doing therapy or coaching and reflect on how well it was going, even when it was difficult, and be proud of myself for doing the work. Growth Mindset!

Everyone and I mean everyone, needs some sort of help from another, we don’t do life successfully on our own, humans are not built to function in that way.

                            Everyone one of us had a journey to take.

  • It starts by accepting that we have both mindsets.
  • Then we need to learn to recognize what triggers our fixed mindset.

Failures? Criticism? Deadlines? Disagreements?

  • And we come to understand what happens to us when our fixed-mindset “persona” is triggered.
  • Importantly, we can gradually learn to remain in a growth mindset place despite the triggers

 

Coaching is no different!

You’re reading this which means you would like to change an area in your life and need some assistance in doing so, bravo for you! Together we will have a conversation that will take you to new places in your life. Let me help you uncover the mindset needed for this journey.

 

Ann