Erotic Play 101

erotic play Sep 14, 2022

Let's chat about Erotic Play.

Hmm, sounds interesting, right?

It does, indeed!

 Definition of Erotic:

Relating to or tending to arouse sexual desire or excitement.

The term may also refer to a state of sexual arousal or anticipation of such-an insistent sexual impulse, desire, or pattern of thoughts.

I find eroticism to be an absolute delight. It allows a person to enter into a space of playfulness, sensuality, and connection with oneself and others.

Erotic Play is allowing yourself to explore your sexual desires with enthusiasm. Think of it as an umbrella-- and Erotic Play is on the top of the umbrella; underneath is anything and everything you would like to try, such as your fantasies, fetishes, and even kink-related activities. There is no limit to your imagination and what pleases you erotically.

In the beginning, when I was exploring sexually, specific sexual explorations were a total turn-off for me. But, as I grew and became more open-minded and educated on different desires, they intrigued me. I wanted to try them safely with people I could trust. Not every desire is sexually motivated, but it is still considered Erotic Play.

You are building trust with your partner by having these intimate communications. Everyone has different needs and desires sexually.

The key is to offer a safe space where you can talk openly about them.

Even if in your mind you're saying, Ewww, please keep it in your head.

Get curious as to why your partner wants to try this desire.

Ask questions.

You may change your mind when there is an understanding of their why. Maybe not, but give it a chance. You can always revisit it later, possibly after trying desires you both have in common. Again, I would suggest having discussions outside of the bedroom first, so no one feels pressured into trying a desire they have concerns over. They will need all their questions answered beforehand, and education is necessary. 

First, consent, consent, consent.

Definition: Consent: permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

Everyone involved must give verbal consent, even if you're in a relationship. A resounding yes is needed to continue.

Not a maybe, not a nod of the head, not an ok, not a shrug. If it's short of a verbal yes, don't do it. I can't emphasize this enough, people.

You're building trust with your partner by having these intimate communications.

Everyone has different needs and desires sexually. The key is to offer a safe space where you can talk openly about them. Even if in your mind you're saying, Ewww, please keep it in your head. Get curious as to why your partner wants to try this desire. Ask questions. You may change your mind when there is an understanding of their" why." Maybe not, but give it a chance. You can always revisit it later, possibly after trying desires you both have in common.

Next, education is the key, and safety is paramount.

If you're in a relationship or unpartnered and want to try something new, be open with yourself and your partner and discuss the topic in detail before trying. What are the dangers, if any, of trying this new desire? Can anyone get hurt in the process? Do we need to read a book or find a source who can help with this?

People went wild with what they saw when the movie 50 Shades of Grey came out. But unfortunately, it wasn't all accurate when the kink-related part was portrayed in the film. For example, I read that hardware stores sold rope at a higher rate than usual after the film's debut, which is excellent but do you know how to use rope without hurting your partner? There are many rules and areas of concern when rope play is involved. An example is nerve damage if tied too tight or long. Also, what's your partner's health history? Finally, what would you do if your partner started to freak out while in rope or faint? There is a lot to think about when trying new desires.

That's why a safe word is needed. When trying a new desire, it is advisable to have a word; when someone says it, the Play needs to be assessed immediately. Make sure it's not a common word you would use. I would not use the words yes or no; they are misleading and confusing. Do they mean it's a yes to continue or is the no an absolute no? It can get unclear very quickly and ruin the excitement you had to try this desire in the first place when your partner is hurt or pissed off.

I would recommend these common safe words.

Red means stop the Play immediately. The scene is over. Period. No questions asked. Check in with your partner, discuss their concerns, and ensure all is well.

Yellow means it is getting intense for the person, and maybe a check-in is needed. If the person is good, Play can continue. Be very mindful at this point.

Green means your person is doing well and enjoying the Play.

You know where everyone's head is at by being transparent in your communication. The goal is to explore your desires in the safest way possible.

Follow these basic rules for Erotic Play and watch your desires explode to have the sex life of your dreams.

If all of this sounds confusing or overwhelming, please book my "Getting to Know me Call," and I will help you sort it out.

Talk to me. Tell me your story.


Do you like this content? Are we the right fit? Let's get to know each other with a 30 minute chat. 

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                                                     What is Mindset?

Could what you believe about yourself impact your success or failure? According to Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, Author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, beliefs play a pivotal role in what you want and whether you achieve it.

Dweck has found that it is your mindset that plays a significant role in determining achievement and success. So, what exactly is a mindset?

Mindset Definition:

The established set of attitudes held by someone.

There are two different types of mindset:

People with a fixed mindset believe that these qualities are inborn, fixed, and unchangeable.

Those with a growth mindset, on the other hand, believe that these abilities can be developed and strengthened by way of commitment and hard work.


                                               What Is Your Mindset?

Do you have a fixed or growth mindset? To find out, start by reading the following statements and decide which ones you agree with most:


  • People have a certain amount of intelligence, and there isn't any way to change it.
  • No matter who you are, there isn't much you can do to improve your basic abilities and personality.
  • People are capable of changing who they are.
  • You can learn new things and improve your intelligence.
  • People either have particular talents, or they don't. You can't just acquire talent for things like music, writing, art, or athletics.
  • Studying, working hard, and practicing new skills are all ways to develop new talents and abilities.

If you tend to agree with statements 1, 2, and 5, then you probably have a more fixed mindset. If you agree with statements 3, and 4, 6, however, then you probably tend to have a growth mindset.


                                        Can You Change Your Mindset?

While people with a fixed mindset might not agree, Dweck suggests that people are capable of changing their mindsets. Parents can also take steps to ensure that their children develop growth mindsets, often through praising efforts rather than focusing solely on results.


For example, instead of telling a child that he is "so smart," a parent might commend the child for their hard work on a project and describe what they like the most about the child's efforts ("I really like how you chose the colors for that picture!").


By focusing on the process rather than the outcome, adults can help kids understand that their efforts, hard work, and dedication can lead to change, learning, and growth both now and in the future.

Remember that your fixed mindset persona was born to protect you and keep you safe, according to Dweck. But it has developed some very limiting ways of doing that. So, educate it in the new growth mindset ways that it can support you: in taking on challenges and sticking to them, bouncing back from failure, and helping and supporting others to grow.



I’m a strong believer in therapy, mentoring and coaching both giving and receiving. I remember when I started therapy and/or coaching it was an exciting and scary time. It was the right direction for the next level of self- growth but my fear was speaking to me, big time.


                                                        Fixed Mindset       

What happens if I can’t do this? Will I be able to change? What if it doesn’t work?

See where my mind was taking me, not to a good place. FEAR!

                                                       Growth Mindset

I realized that I needed the right mindset for the process to be successful.

I found a cozy comfortable area with journal in hand, relaxed then took a few deep breathes to center myself and asked the question:

What does my FEAR look and feel like when I think about therapy and/or coaching?

Any excuse to stop the process

Lack of money and time

Problem too hard to face

Anxiety residing in my body, shallow breathing, body pains etc.

What would people think?

I would look weak



Therapy is for other people!

It’s too hard!



When I felt overwhelmed in the therapy/coaching process it was an indicator that I was off. I went directly to my list and would see the reason and immediately laugh at myself in a loving way, pause, take deep breaths and then do a reset!

I go to my toolbox of skills and use the ones that resonate with me. Affirmations are my go-to and are hanging on my walls. I give myself a daily pep talk to keep me focused and these are just some of the simple, yet effective tools!

Remember why I was doing therapy or coaching and reflect on how well it was going, even when it was difficult, and be proud of myself for doing the work. Growth Mindset!

Everyone and I mean everyone, needs some sort of help from another, we don’t do life successfully on our own, humans are not built to function in that way.

                            Everyone one of us had a journey to take.

  • It starts by accepting that we have both mindsets.
  • Then we need to learn to recognize what triggers our fixed mindset.

Failures? Criticism? Deadlines? Disagreements?

  • And we come to understand what happens to us when our fixed-mindset “persona” is triggered.
  • Importantly, we can gradually learn to remain in a growth mindset place despite the triggers


Coaching is no different!

You’re reading this which means you would like to change an area in your life and need some assistance in doing so, bravo for you! Together we will have a conversation that will take you to new places in your life. Let me help you uncover the mindset needed for this journey.