What's your Attachment style?

anxious attachmentstyles avoidant relationships secure Aug 08, 2022

There are four main attachment styles, according to The Attachment Project.com. and the book, Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, MA. The focus will be on the first three styles.

Anxiously Attached (also referred to as Preoccupied) people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.

Avoidant Attached (also referred to as Dismissive) people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Secure Attached people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

Disorganized (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant) people are both uncomfortable with intimacy and very concerned about your partner's availability; you have the rare combination of attachment anxiety and avoidance. Only a small percentage of the population falls into this category. However, if you are one of them, you can benefit from information on both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

How do attachment styles develop in early childhood?

The behavior of the primary caregivers (usually one's parents) contributes to and forms how a child perceives close relationships.

The child is dependent on their caregivers and seeks comfort, soothing, and support from them. If the child's physical and emotional needs are satisfied, they become securely attached.

This, however, requires that the caregivers offer a warm and caring environment and are attuned to the child's needs, even when these needs are not clearly expressed.

On the other hand, misattunement on the parent's side is likely to lead to insecure attachment in their children.

According to Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, other factors are at play too. As more studies become available, there is increasing evidence that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. The equation of a caring and sensitive parent producing a secure-for-life child is too one-dimensional; instead, it seems that an entire mosaic of factors comes together to create this attachment pattern: our early connection with our parents, our genes, and also something else – our romantic experiences as adults. And that change can come in both directions – secure people can become less secure and people who were originally insecure can become increasingly secure.

In their book, Attached, and Theattachementproject.com is a questionnaire you may want to take and get further information on your attachment style.

Understanding your attachment style is essential to help improve your self-awareness and enhance your relationships. As a Love Coach, it's necessary to offer various tools and techniques to assist in the process. Please take my Love Assessment here to find out where you are in the process of love.

 

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                                                     What is Mindset?

Could what you believe about yourself impact your success or failure? According to Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, Author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, beliefs play a pivotal role in what you want and whether you achieve it.

Dweck has found that it is your mindset that plays a significant role in determining achievement and success. So, what exactly is a mindset?

Mindset Definition:

The established set of attitudes held by someone.

There are two different types of mindset:

People with a fixed mindset believe that these qualities are inborn, fixed, and unchangeable.

Those with a growth mindset, on the other hand, believe that these abilities can be developed and strengthened by way of commitment and hard work.

                                           

                                               What Is Your Mindset?

Do you have a fixed or growth mindset? To find out, start by reading the following statements and decide which ones you agree with most:

 

  • People have a certain amount of intelligence, and there isn't any way to change it.
  • No matter who you are, there isn't much you can do to improve your basic abilities and personality.
  • People are capable of changing who they are.
  • You can learn new things and improve your intelligence.
  • People either have particular talents, or they don't. You can't just acquire talent for things like music, writing, art, or athletics.
  • Studying, working hard, and practicing new skills are all ways to develop new talents and abilities.

If you tend to agree with statements 1, 2, and 5, then you probably have a more fixed mindset. If you agree with statements 3, and 4, 6, however, then you probably tend to have a growth mindset.

                                      

                                        Can You Change Your Mindset?

While people with a fixed mindset might not agree, Dweck suggests that people are capable of changing their mindsets. Parents can also take steps to ensure that their children develop growth mindsets, often through praising efforts rather than focusing solely on results.

 

For example, instead of telling a child that he is "so smart," a parent might commend the child for their hard work on a project and describe what they like the most about the child's efforts ("I really like how you chose the colors for that picture!").

 

By focusing on the process rather than the outcome, adults can help kids understand that their efforts, hard work, and dedication can lead to change, learning, and growth both now and in the future.

Remember that your fixed mindset persona was born to protect you and keep you safe, according to Dweck. But it has developed some very limiting ways of doing that. So, educate it in the new growth mindset ways that it can support you: in taking on challenges and sticking to them, bouncing back from failure, and helping and supporting others to grow.

                           

 

I’m a strong believer in therapy, mentoring and coaching both giving and receiving. I remember when I started therapy and/or coaching it was an exciting and scary time. It was the right direction for the next level of self- growth but my fear was speaking to me, big time.

                                                      

                                                        Fixed Mindset       

What happens if I can’t do this? Will I be able to change? What if it doesn’t work?

See where my mind was taking me, not to a good place. FEAR!

                                                       Growth Mindset

I realized that I needed the right mindset for the process to be successful.

I found a cozy comfortable area with journal in hand, relaxed then took a few deep breathes to center myself and asked the question:

What does my FEAR look and feel like when I think about therapy and/or coaching?

Any excuse to stop the process

Lack of money and time

Problem too hard to face

Anxiety residing in my body, shallow breathing, body pains etc.

What would people think?

I would look weak

Embarrassment

Self-doubt

Therapy is for other people!

It’s too hard!

 

 

When I felt overwhelmed in the therapy/coaching process it was an indicator that I was off. I went directly to my list and would see the reason and immediately laugh at myself in a loving way, pause, take deep breaths and then do a reset!

I go to my toolbox of skills and use the ones that resonate with me. Affirmations are my go-to and are hanging on my walls. I give myself a daily pep talk to keep me focused and these are just some of the simple, yet effective tools!

Remember why I was doing therapy or coaching and reflect on how well it was going, even when it was difficult, and be proud of myself for doing the work. Growth Mindset!

Everyone and I mean everyone, needs some sort of help from another, we don’t do life successfully on our own, humans are not built to function in that way.

                            Everyone one of us had a journey to take.

  • It starts by accepting that we have both mindsets.
  • Then we need to learn to recognize what triggers our fixed mindset.

Failures? Criticism? Deadlines? Disagreements?

  • And we come to understand what happens to us when our fixed-mindset “persona” is triggered.
  • Importantly, we can gradually learn to remain in a growth mindset place despite the triggers

 

Coaching is no different!

You’re reading this which means you would like to change an area in your life and need some assistance in doing so, bravo for you! Together we will have a conversation that will take you to new places in your life. Let me help you uncover the mindset needed for this journey.

 

Ann